Hello 1-9

Hello 9!!

If I’m posting at all after April 23rd, it will primarily be here.

I had my first recognizable anxiety attack on April 9th. I had to go to the ER. I wouldn’t have been surprised if I had died. Glad I didn’t :)

I’ve been working on a project since mid February that has been very engaging and thought-provoking. I can relate it to most anything that I’ve experienced in my life. It’s brought about a lot of good change, and I’m excited to see where it leads me.

My recent social media posts are a part of the project, but only as much as anything else in my life is a part of the project. It’s been easier for me recently to express how I’m feeling and my thoughts around certain subjects/ideas. I didn’t plan out each of these posts like an ad campaign. I definitely didn’t plan to go to the ER. Just goin with the flow.

A brief description of part of the project: I’ve been downloading all of my data from every source I can find to an offline library - Facebook, IG, Spotify, Google, Amazon, dinner reservations, hotel booking accounts, etc. I’ve also been uploading data - old VHS tapes, photos, etc. All of that data has a timestamp. And now that it’s in one place, I basically have a time machine (skipped a couple steps, but maybe you can imagine them).

It’s allowed me to reconcile with a lot of past memories and start changing the narrative I’ve created for myself. It’s helping me change my thoughts about myself to better fit the way I want to interact with the world. I can’t change other people’s opinion of me. However, working on this project so far, I’ve connected with people from my past that I thought I’d never talk to again. Sometimes that ends in smiles, sometimes in tears, sometimes thinking that I won’t talk to them ever again…again. But if the opportunity arises to try to change a situation to a more pleasant-leaning one then I will take it, because I want to live in a world that leans more pleasant.

I was at peace in the ER, even as I wrote my will on my phone. I had great, often funny conversations with my doctors as my body was uncontrollably shaking and I felt chest and heart tightness. Only the next morning did I realize I’ve been building a machine that allows my life to flash before my eyes. However poetic, technical, or spiritual you want to take that statement, it’s something that I want to take a break from.

Something has clicked in the last 2 months that has made my life more peaceful. It’s caused some big changes: my partner and I are getting married, I’m transitioning out of many jobs, I’m entering new spaces and being accepted, I’m learning a whole lot. I gotta give my body, mind, and spirit a bit of time to catch up, so I’m going to slow down a bit.

Regarding Social Media: I see most “social” platforms as a way to allow everyone’s life to flash before my eyes. When I post, then my life flashes before everyone else’s eyes. I think social media kills a lot for me: kills creativity, kills meaningful connections, kills opportunities for understanding, kills thinking differently. I’m done using this killing machine in the way it wants me to. I’ll most likely stay on it, in hopes of making something different.

Removing myself entirely from this global society won’t solve the problem. If you want to read more on that, I’d recommend reading “How To Do Nothing”. I want to find a middle ground, where it’s safe and accessible to share ideas.

Love you, whether you read the whole thing or just this sentence!

If you want to hit me up, go to the Contacts tab :)